Games People Play

Do you get angry when others disappoint you?

Do you feel as if you are never good enough?

Do you feel as if you have to be responsible for everything?

Psychological Games is a concept from Transactional Analysis, developed by Eric Berne. TA is used widely in personal and professional development including areas such as Counselling, Psychotherapy, Education and Business.

The Drama Triangle (Karpman, 1968) is a model to help you think about what kind of role you may be adopting in the games you play. In describing the 'roles', capital letters are used to differentiate between persecutors, rescuers and victims.

Rescuers (R) are the people pleasers. These are those of us who try to keep people happy. They often will do more than the other person wants, or they will behave in a way that is disempowering to the other i.e. doing things for them ñ this is often not helpful as the person does not learn to take responsibility and do things for himself e.g. a parent who does their child's homework for them.

Persecutors (P) are often angry and can put people down. These are those of us who get angry and criticise others from a one up position, believing we are 'right' and they are 'wrong'. They are blaming and do not take responsibility for their part. i.e. a wife who blames her husband for all the problems in their relationship.

Victims (V) often feel powerless. These are those of us who can feel unable to do things or tackle a problem. They often invite others to take care of them (or persecute them) or do things for them in a non-direct way eg. someone who says 'I can't iron', 'I am really bad at it' (inviting the other to 'do it for them').

We take up a position on the Drama Triangle and unconsciously (or outside of our awareness) search out people who are willing to take up one of the other positions. We then play out a game, (see below) and at some point one or both of the parties involved can switch positions on the Drama Triangle. At different times and in different situations we can visit all of the positions but there are likely to be two that we are more comfortable with.

There are also many different psychological games that we can play. Here is an example of one called

Why don't you...Yes But…
Person 1 Spends time complaining about how awful their life is and that they are unhappy, their job is boring, their relationship unfulfilling and they think they might be depressed

Person 2 listening in a supportive way for a while

A dialogue might go like this
Person 1 (V) 'My life's terrible, I wish things could be different, I always hate my jobs no matter what I do and my partner never supports me.'

Person 2 (R) 'Oh dear, why don't you change jobs?'

Person 1 (V) 'Yes, but it will just end up the same as all of my jobs.'

Person 2 (R) 'Well, how about talking to your partner about your unhappiness?'

Person 1 (V) 'Yes, but he never listens it won't make any difference.'

Person 2 (R) 'Well, why don't we go out tonight and have a good time to take your mind off things?'

Person 1 (V) 'Well, we could but I wouldn't enjoy myself.'

Both people then switch positions.

Person 2 (P) 'Well, let's not bother then' (in an raised angry voice and flounces off, saying to themselves- nothing I ever do is good enough).

Person 1 (R) Rushes after them apologising and saying they really do want to go out. (Saying to themselves: there we go I have upset someone again- I am such a horrible person)

The final position of 'feeling bad' at the end of the game is what we call the Game payoff. Although this is an uncomfortable position at a psychological level it meets our human need for both for attention and stimulation.
What we can do
Firstly we can become aware of what role(s) and games we play and take responsibility for our part. It is also useful to know what sort of people we are more likely to get into games with and be especially careful with these types: For example do you Rescue Victims or do you feel like a Victim and find people Persecuting or Rescuing you? We can learn to stay out of games. We are also more likely to get into games if we are low, stressed, ill or under pressure. Games are outdated methods of getting our needs for attention met and we can learn new ways to get what we need in a healthy way.

Author: Leilani Mitchell, The Link Centre on 01892 668079